Beauty without Permission

 Since the time before memory, beauty has been something we have all chased. To me, beauty is not just physical attractiveness, but the way a person grooms, expresses and carries themselves. Beauty is a way of communicating to the world who we are and what we value. A certain style of clothing, make up, body composition have all been influences in how we perceive beauty. Historically, people of social status have played a part in establishing new trends, and influencers on social media do the same. We are fed a constant stream of dieting, workouts, make up tutorials, adverts for clothing and make up, anti aging, and supplements. The messaging is all the same, someone else is making judgements for you about what beauty is. But have you ever thought about yourself and how you fit into these beauty standards? If no one was watching, if there were no pictures taken, no one to judge or criticize you, no one complimenting or validating your choices, no algorithm to reward you, no job or position required you to show up in a certain way, no trends to influence you, how would you show up in the world? Is it for ourselves or is it for the approval of others and can beauty be an act of self validation in a world that constantly tells us how we should look? 

Beauty standards are very nuanced and there are a lot of layers and it makes sense that it is influenced by culture, region, age, world events, social movements, politics, and religion. If you think about it, some of the most influential beauty trends came about as a result of major world events and rights movements. Some might say that we dress and look a certain way to capture the attention of those we are attracted to. Before I met my husband, I remember dressing and looking a certain way in order to seek male validation. Because I was fresh in the world and hadn’t developed a lot of other skills, it was easy to associate beauty with worthiness and proof of desirability. Others suggest that we seek validation from anyone regardless of attraction, and that beauty is just another tool used for belonging. We look and dress a certain way to belong in our friend group, or larger communities. While others dress as a form of self expression and to stir the pot either politically or socially. The punk movement from the seventies with mohawks, leather jackets, and pins was built around non conformity and anti establishment. 

So why are we so critical of each other? I think we’ve watched enough movies, and real life videos where someone is criticized and rejected because they don’t fit the social rules. I think it’s rooted in fear and the other emotions that follow like jealousy, perceived competition, insecurity, and non conformity. From a deeply social and evolutionary point of view, we are meant to live in community with each other. We are wired to belong because in doing so meant survival. We are taught at a young age the rules of conformity. We are taught how to dress, how to talk, how to conduct yourself, what brings praise, and what brings shame. Conformity is following the rules of the community in which you live. 

When you don’t follow the rules of the community, you are judged and shamed or worse. Non conformity brings uncertainty. Your economic prospects might be limited, and you could be mocked and attacked online and in person. Non conformity can present a lot of challenges when we live in multi-cultural “free” societies where many different cultures exist and where freedom of religion and expression is practiced. Yet societies flourish where non conformists exist. Street wear challenges ideas of what styles go together as a form of self expression rather than following trends. Think of goth or other alternative fashion, people wearing non gender specific clothing, and oversized fashion. Women wearing pants to work in factories during World War 2 was normalized where before the war if you wore pants, you were considered immoral and unfeminine. Hemlines shortened during women's suffrage movement to enable greater movement and independence during protests. At the time, this was highly scandalous and mocked by anti-suffragists in postcards and newspaper articles and ads. If these people continued to conform, change would not have been possible and our society would have suffered as a result because your ability to choose authenticity is built on non-conformity. Non conformists not only stand out, they pave the way for others to feel and live as their most authentic selves and enjoy the rights we are all entitled to. 

How we dress, look and show up in our community as our most authentic selves is a basic human right regardless if it is the norm in the community we live in. Beauty is freedom of expression. For some it might look like dressing modestly with a hijab or a face covering, wearing revealing tops or bottoms, dressing as the opposite gender or non gender specific. How would communities change if we removed my definition of beauty as a barrier to belonging? Maybe this is idealistic, but instead of judging a book by its cover, we went deeper to see if there are other shared values. Regardless, we can afford to offer dignity to those that choose not to conform to our standards. When we say we value freedom of expression, others also have the right to practice that same freedom. 

Beauty that validates ourselves and allows us to live in authenticity is a rebel act in a world that tells us exactly what we should look like. We don’t need others' approval to live authentically, and we don’t need others to make the same choices as us in order to feel secure. Belonging can be in other things like shared values, care for humanity, care for the environment, or care for animals. For those that struggle showing up in the world authentically, be a rebel and resist the pull of belonging. Because the cost of appeasing those that would want you to follow the rules, is betraying yourself.