In transition: Overcoming the fear of change

After 13 years, I lost my job due to funding cuts. I taught English as a second language at a local not for profit, and even though I had my complaints about it (like anyone going to work everyday) it didn’t feel like a job once I was there. I could see the funding cuts coming though and I knew it was only a matter of time before we couldn’t run this school any longer, so when the notice came, I wasn’t too surprised, just sad. We weren’t just a school, we were an integral part of the lives of our students and the newcomer community. Some of these students had never been to school or had years of disrupted learning due to war or responsibilities. Most found a safe place to be and a community they belonged to. We provided all the support necessary to help them succeed in their new home. Suffice to say, I find myself in a transition, and despite all my training in adult education, trauma informed classrooms, and Universal Design for Learning, I am not certain I want to return to this kind of teaching again, not that I don't love it, but as the Kenny Rogers song says, “You gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run.” I feel like I walked away from teaching underprivileged newcomers on a high note. Teaching takes a special kind of patience, and I feel I have less of it. I feel I accomplished a lot, and I had the energy to give 100 percent effort one last time. 

I believe the timing is right to do something else, but what that is, I am not certain. I feel my heart and soul are calling me elsewhere. I have ideas, but nothing is concrete, yet.  In the back of my mind, it feels like I should have something lined up, or look forward to doing something, and I should attach a label to myself- If I am not a teacher, then what am I? I guess this is what you call a midlife crisis? At 47, I am too young to retire, but I don’t want to return to teaching. I have no plan, or a clear direction to move forward. Not so long ago, believe me, being in this limbo would have left me railing and fueled with anxiety and loss of sleep trying to map everything out. However, maybe I am just tired or old, but I am not worried- quite the opposite, actually. Life is too precious to keep giving energy to this.I have spent the first half of my life taking care of other people and doing the responsible thing. What If I can spend this next half on something I truly enjoy? 

I used to be quite scared of change. I think it’s because I didn’t like the unknown, and i just liked being in control. Everything was so predictable and that was good. It’s kind of funny when I think about it- all the times I paced with anxiety, crying and emotional, overthinking, trying to control an outcome I had no control over, where did it get me? It didn’t get me anything better or anywhere. As people we do this though. We cling to relationships but the relationships end or change anyways, trying to change my children’s minds over a decision they’ve made- thinking this is the worst thing ever, but they still go through with it. Change always came regardless of how hard I tried to cling to something I had control over. 

So what’s different now? One part wisdom with two parts faith and one part logic has anchored me in a way where I haven't panicked yet without having a plan and a definite way forward. 

Logic tells me that I have made it this far. I am privileged to say, I’ve never gone without anything in my 47 years, and If I found this teaching job before, I can certainly find another if I needed to. Wisdom tells me I have amassed a collection of skills and experience that I can transfer anywhere and that fear, anxiety, and loss of sleep just isn’t necessary at my age. My faith tells me I know with whom this hope rests. My self assurance and deep inner knowing come from here because I know the one who created those opportunities in the past, will also create opportunities in the future, and I will be provided for just as I have been provided for all these years. Does faith eliminate fear? No, but for me, I know there is a plan and I trust the One that made it. 

Life is so full of uncertainty. It is a natural part of living and aside from death and taxes the one true thing we can rely on, so instead of attaching myself to a “should”, I have finally learned that peace doesn’t require having the future figured out and that living from a place of self assurance and unshakable faith has replaced fear and anxiety. At 47, I am becoming a self possessed woman with a past full of experiences and skills. I am living my second life and ready to tackle the unknown without a care of what anyone thinks or limits on what I can do.